The porridge ended up on the floor again. The diaper was on backwards. You forgot the pediatrician appointment. And the voice inside whispers: "Everyone else is handling this better than me."
Stop. That voice is lying.
Research from the University of Louvain shows that perfectionism in parents significantly increases the risk of burnout. There is no parent who gets everything right all the time. But there are millions of children growing up safe and happy — with parents who are good enough.
What is the "good enough" principle?
The concept of "good enough parenting" was developed by child psychiatrist Donald Winnicott in the 1950s. His point was simple: children don't need perfect parents. They need present parents who try.
A child who experiences their parents failing and making amends learns something invaluable. They learn that mistakes are a natural part of life, and that relationships can withstand minor bumps.
Winnicott's research showed that children with "perfect" parents actually struggled more with handling adversity later in life. A little friction builds resilience.
The perfectionism trap: do you recognize yourself?
Perfectionism as a parent can look like many things:
- You constantly compare yourself to other parents on Instagram
- You feel like a failure if dinner isn't homemade with five vegetables
- You lie awake ruminating over things you said or didn't say to your child
- You find it hard to ask for help because you "should be able to manage alone"
- You feel guilty every time you take a break
Social media amplifies the pressure. You only see others' best moments, never the messy mornings with crying and spilled milk. The reality is that all parents feel uncertain — even those who look like they have everything under control.
Five reasons why good enough is best
1. Children learn from mistakes — including yours
When you say "sorry, mom got a little angry" or "that was wrong of me," you model something invaluable. You show your child that it's safe to make mistakes, and that you can make things right.
2. Perfectionism steals joy
When you're focused on getting everything right, you lose the ability to be present. Your child's first steps become overshadowed by worry about whether their shoes are correct. Let it go.
3. Your stress affects your child more than the mess
Research from NTNU shows that parental stress has a greater negative effect on children's development than most external factors. A calm, relaxed home with a little mess is better than an immaculate home with stressed parents.
4. You model self-compassion
Children who see parents being kind to themselves learn to be kind to themselves. It's one of the most important gifts you can give.
5. It creates space for joy
When you release the requirement that everything must be perfect, room appears for spontaneity. To put down the recipe and just finger-paint. To dance in the living room instead of tidying up.
Next time you feel perfectionism biting, ask yourself: "Will this matter in five years?" If the answer is no, let it go.
Practical tips for releasing the pressure
Lower the bar intentionally
Choose one thing you can do "good enough" today instead of perfectly. Maybe dinner is toast. Maybe play means looking out the window together. It counts.
Set limits on social media
Unfollow accounts that make you feel guilty. Follow accounts that show reality — spills, chaos, and laughter.
Ask for help — and accept it
When someone offers to watch your child for an hour, say yes. You don't need a "good enough reason." Needing a break is reason enough.
Talk to someone
Your pediatrician is there for you, not just for your child. Bring up how you're doing at your next visit. A public health nurse has confidentiality obligations and can help you find further support.
If perfectionism leads to persistent anxiety, sleep problems, or avoidance of situations involving your child, you should speak with your doctor. These may be signs of an anxiety disorder for which effective treatment is available.
What does research say?
A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies (2020) with over 12,000 participants showed that perfectionist parents reported higher levels of depression, anxiety, and burnout.
The WHO and AAP emphasize that good mental health in parents is one of the strongest protective factors for children's development. Taking care of yourself is not selfish — it is parental care.
You are already good enough
Your child doesn't need a parent who never makes mistakes. They need a parent who is there. Who tries. Who laughs at spilled milk instead of crying over it (at least sometimes).
The fact that you're reading this article shows that you care. And that is more than good enough.
Frequently asked questions
Does "good enough" mean I shouldn't try to improve?
No, quite the opposite. "Good enough" is about freeing yourself from unrealistic standards so you can actually focus on what matters — presence, love, and security. It's about improving yourself with self-compassion rather than self-criticism.
How do I know if my perfectionism is a problem?
If you often lie awake ruminating over things you "should have done better," compare yourself negatively to others, or avoid activities because you're afraid of making mistakes — then perfectionism may be getting in the way of your joy as a parent. Talk to your pediatrician or doctor.
Can perfectionism affect my child?
Yes, research shows that children of highly perfectionist parents can develop their own perfectionist traits and higher anxiety levels. By showing your child that mistakes are okay, you build resilience and self-acceptance.
Missing an overview of your child's development? Log milestones in your baby's profile — without pressure to have everything perfect.
Read also: Parental burnout | Anxiety as a parent | Identity after children | Self-care for new parents